If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
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Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”