*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
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due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.