My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
The government even made aliens boring
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Merry Christmas