Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
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T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!