Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.