Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
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Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I missed you with all my darts
Big Sex has us all fooled
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.