Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.