@weinerdog4life: Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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@NikatNiteNite: Men go to bars for 2 reasons: 1) They don't have a wife to go home to. 2) They have a wife to go home to.
@tiffinysawyers: Sorry, but breaking up with you on facebook was the best way of letting all your friends know I'm available.
@Try2StopME: If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"
@ramblinma: No, officer, I haven't been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.