@weinerdog4life: Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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@Coops_Bradley: Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
@murfer28: I don't want to lock my account because I like to help my X's feel better about themselves when they check in & make sure I'm still a drunk.
@XplodingUnicorn: Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert. God: No problem. Moses: But since you can make anything- God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
@davedittell: if the waitress at this brunch doesn't give me the Mother's Day special then I shaved my legs and stole this baby for nothing