Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Don’t forget to tip your server
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.