@weinerdog4life: Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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@daplusk: [on 1st date] Me: Have you ever flown to Paris on a private jet before? Her: No, I'd love to Me: Same Me: *shows photo of cat* this is Tim
@Tommytoughstuff: Career day: Hi kids I'm Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?"
@leahlovescheez: My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
@jeffswarens: By the volume of the pans clanging in the kitchen. I think I'm supposed to go volunteer to help with something