Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
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me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
This will never not be funny 😭
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?