“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
August 8
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great