@JohnHilsen: Of course climate change is man-made. It's all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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@LostCatDog: Ladies call me "the turkey sandwich" because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
@alfageeek: Wife: We don't have anything planned today… Me: Cool! Wife: …so I was thinking we should… Me: (dammit)
@heckinglame: Horton Hears a who? Horton Hears a what? Horton Hears a huh? Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
@Contwixt: My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age. So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl. Tik Tok.