Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
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Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Heroic Misunderstanding
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.