Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
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I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I’m giving up for Lent.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
These dogs look like they have good credit.