Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
From Facebook just now…
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
*watches the world burn*
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*