Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
sugar glider wrangler
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators