Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
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Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)