Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Hey I worked for it too!
broke down and did it
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*