Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-