Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.