Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog