Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”