@_sweet_ham: Of course I can keep a secret, It's the people I tell it to that can't.
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@BiIIMurray: I read that burglars use Twitter & Facebook to see when people arent home. So from now on, Im at home. With a rifle. And a hungry crocodile.
@delusions_of: The guy at the urinal next to me doesn't appreciate my theories on "Game of Thrones".
@Nickadoo: Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don't roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.
@truegritrumble: ME: Can I borrow your car? FRIEND: You already borrowed my car. ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?