Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
i really liked this one
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.