Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
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My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it