Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂