Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Danger is very dangerous
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids