The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
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Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”