@1MeLrO: Of course I touch myself when I think about you
It's called a face palm
@SCbchbum: Sorry I used your baby's bald head as a lipstick blotter.
@SteveKoehler22: When you ask her
"Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
And she answers
"No, who wrote it?" ....
@MartaEffing: A humpback whale pulling millions of krill into its mouth, but it's me at a party where they just served shrimp.
@Pundamentalism: My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
@sammyrhodes: You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.