@1MeLrO: Of course I touch myself when I think about you
It's called a face palm
@NotGaryBusey: I love when people say "If people hate you, it only means you're doing something right." Because that's what Hitler would say.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
@jordan_stratton: Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
@DanMentos: [first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* "No Puppetry"?
me (proudly): I'm the reason they have that
@krishna_van: People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying 'bless you' when someone sneezed last year