@1MeLrO: Of course I touch myself when I think about you
It's called a face palm
@dumbbeezie: "You ruined everything."
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
@GrillinChillin9: I'm no scientist, but I'm sure that gravity is at it's strongest while laying in bed early in the mornings.
@SortaBad: "holy crap....um guys?!" - the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
@comer310: Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Cop: Did u forward yesterday's spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Cop: Well there you go.
@Sean_Burgundy_: My gf always tells me to shower her with compliments, but when I woke her up with the hose while calling her beautiful she yelled at me