@1MeLrO: Of course I touch myself when I think about you
It's called a face palm
@JimmerThatisAll: Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
@McNevich: Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman
@P0tterhead_394: My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.
@Book_Krazy: Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can't do any more drugs after the weekend I had
@Lpbinder: You haven't experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn't ticklish.