Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
You Might Also Like
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Erm…
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY