Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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Me, in DM rooms…
adam and eve had first world problems
Ha.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Customize Your Wedding.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Mouse
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.