Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Coffee for people with no kids
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.