Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”