mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
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*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
“What movie?” 🤔
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Cats (2019)
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician