I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
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Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.