OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
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[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner