Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla