Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.