Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-