Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*