Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
For when Tinder doesn’t work
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.