I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
You Might Also Like
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.