@JermHimselfish: Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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@T_N_Crumpets: Rival Gang Leader: Me: Rival Gang Leader's mom: [nudges son] go on Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
@daemonic3: Sloth 911: What's your emergency [1 week later] Sloth: I'VE BEEN SHOT [1 week later] Sloth 911: DON'T MOVE! We'll be there in a month
@LuvPug: My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, 'you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can't see it? That.'
@iGreenMonk: No matter how rich or famous you become, when you die, the size of your funeral will still pretty much depend on the weather.