Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
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My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?