Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
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H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Meanwhile in Canada…
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
it was a valiant fight
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Mornin
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.