Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
You Might Also Like
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
accurate
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies