Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?