Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
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Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Me, reading some of your tweets
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Nothing to do, you say?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.