Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E