Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
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Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
boat question
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
cat vs inanimate object
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN