Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Where’s my employee discount too?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.