You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
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You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.