@mofrorock: "Of course you're the prettiest girl here, you just need to talk louder" - alcohol
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@yerpalmildsauce: How did you get those horrible burns? *flashback to me enjoying some hot soup on a rollercoaster* I saved a litter of puppies from a fire.
@Home_Halfway: MAMA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed PAPA BEAR: Someones been sleeping in MY bed PAPA ROACH: Someones been cutting MY life to pieces
@marknorm: When you're a kid and you have an accident you pee your pants. When you're an adult and you have an accident you have a kid.
@OfficeofSteve: Me: The dogs ears are so soft! Wife: I know! Me: I want to make a pillow out of them Wife: ..... Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies