Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
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I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Bill is short for Billiam
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!